(AP) In a news release Monday Microsoft founder Bill Gates issued an alert that a new virus affecting the Windows operating system has been discovered.

A Microsoft spokesman revealed the widespread existence of the virus code named "DamnLinux."

"We have spent untold hours in the lab characterizing this menace" a spokesman announced. "The existence of this virus is characterized by general system stability and the inability to perform basic Window's operations such as locking up and producing the blue screen of death."

Microsoft announced that it has positioned itself to take a lead in the effort to insure that no PC users are infected with this virus.

(Phing Poing) Recently, documents released by China uncovered an alleged plan to destabilize the American family. 

The strategy centered on a product line of toys sold to American fast-food industry giants, such as McDonalds and Wendy’s. Records indicate that these innocent looking toys, distributed "free" in children’s meal packages, were actually designed and manufactured in China by former cold war weapons specialists.

The " Guillotine McWoof " toy is one such example provided as evidence to support Dr. Leiberman's claims

Using an ancient Oriental passive psychological weapons design technique known as Yow Fiutsami , the toy products were designed to provide a dangerous, infuriating, and mind-numbing amount of pain when stepped on with bare feet or in light slippers, no matter at what angle they are left on the floor. 

Dr. R.J. Leiberman of the Tallahassee Institute for Behavioral Studies has stated, "The dramatic increase of these articles in almost any American home with children, when combined with the substandard nutritional quality of the meals which they accompany, can statistically be shown to directly coincide with the 79.6% increase over the past 15 years in late night 911 Emergency calls across the country."

These revealing documents were obtained as a result of the International Disclosure In Outside Transcontinental Sales pact (I.D.I.O.T.S.) signed by President Bush and the mayor of Bejing at the dedication of that city’s new Year of the Rat Mall. 

Ronald McDonald and Dave Thomas were unavailable for comment, according to a reliable source, who contacted us by phone.

Prison Reform:  A Change Dress Could Signal a Change in Behavior

Inmates at Jefferson State Prison in California will have a new look, according to Warden Ricky Joe Rodgers.  Traditional khaki and fluorescent orange jumpsuits worn by inmates since the late 1970s will be discarded in favor of dress suits befitting Wall Street.  The change in attire is part of an experimental program funded by the former Democratic administration. Details...
 

(Jersy City) "Absolute rubbish" was the comment offered by famed critic Jaques LePutt.

View here, if you must...

(Vatican City) An official representing the Vatican today announced the results of the first ever scientific study sponsored by the Roman pontiff. Researchers at the National Superconducting Cyclotron Laboratory (NSCL) retrofitted a Beta-NMR apparatus in order to measure the velocity and distance the soul reached when escaping the body during a sneeze. Details...

The Center for Repositioning Academic Priorities (C.R.A.P.) has announced the results of a 20- year study on the effectiveness of college textbooks.  Two hundred publications, used by universities across the United States, were the subject of intense scrutiny by the Assessment Committee for Heuristics in Education (A.C.H. E.). Details...

(Fargo Sleet Daily) In a report issued Sunday, researchers at Whatsamatta University claim to have discovered a previously undocumented ant colony social behavior.
Professor Milton Druskoff, chairman of the department of antographic research, described a startling pattern of behavior by his ants that "is rather unique and moreover, entertaining."

As described in his recent paper on the subject, "Ant's: What You Gonna Do?", Dr. Druskoff explains that ants "imbibe enormous quantities of super saturated sucrose solution over a relatively short time period." He points out that this solution is normally used to feed the queen and the young pupa.

"But what is surprising," explains Dr. Druskoff, "is that the ants lie around, bloated and lackadaisical, watching worker ants kick each other and throw each other on the ground."

A dissenting scientist, Dr. Pugman Fosaw, argues, "the contests are fake." Dr. Duskoff dismissed this statement however, arguing, "if you had your antenna gnawed on by another ant, you wouldn't think it's so fake."

(AP Cambridge) The possibility of parallel universes is no longer merely within the realm of science fiction writers, according to leading cosmologists.  One possible interpretation of the mathematics of this esoteric science provides for an infinite number of physically real universes, separated by dimensions outside of the three physical and one temporal of our experiences.

Says Steven Hawking, "So somewhere there is guy who drove a ‘Vette at Cambridge, got lots of poon-tang, and doesn’t have a voice like an electric razor….  friggin’ bummer."

(Big Momma Auto weekly) Weighing in at a whopping 18,345 pounds (8 million kilograms) the new Exoedition sports utility vehicle offers amenities found only on the more expensive models, according to the manufacturer. Details...